Ahhh…my 13th review. People have dreaded the number 13 for centuries. They call the fear of the number 13 triskaidekaphobia. Superstitious people avoid buying houses with the number 13 in the address. Some people avoid the 13th seat at the movie theater. Buildings were built labeling the 13th floor as the 14th so as to avoid the building being cursed. Well, I on the other hand, happen to love the number thirteen. I even got married on Friday the 13th, June, 2008. My Anniversary is this Sunday as a matter of fact, and what better way to begin the celebration than to have Nick Nefarious’ 13th review with the number thirteen written 13 times in this paragraph (you math Nazis can include the Greek translation of the number as you fact check me)? I had to choose something perfect for the occasion, something that just screams the number 13. That’s why I selected the 1988 cult classic, 976-EVIL.
In the 80’s Satan-a-thon, 976-EVIL, wife-beater wearing bad ass, Spike (Patrick O’Bryan), discovers a 976 HORRORSCOPE hotline that mysteriously guides him toward his every desire, no matter what the consequence. But the party doesn’t really start to heat up until Spike’s stereotypically geeky little punching-bag of a cousin, Hoax (Stephen Geoffreys), discovers the 976 number and takes it farther than anyone could ever imagine.
976-EVIL is the celluloid embodiment of the 80’s. You couldn’t get more 80’s if you chewed up David Hasslehoff and shit out A Flock of Seagulls. It’s got a protagonist named Spike, an Argyle sweater-wearing geek, a shit-talking antagonist with a dyed skunk stripe in his head, and that isn’t the half. This flick is filled with more pentagrams than a Slayer concert, more 666’s than Hell’s area codes, and more 13’s than the first paragraph of this review. I love it. Plus, Stephen Geoffreys (that annoying little bastard, ‘Evil’ Ed Thompson, from Fright Night) can actually pull off creepy when the script is done right. An added bonus is the appearance of Richard Picardo (Eddie Quist, the werewolf from The Howling). And to top it all off, 976-EVIL is directed by fucking Robert “Freddy Krueger” Englund himself and is chalk full of his signature one-liner dialogue.
I recommend 976-EVIL not only as a horror flick, but as an awesome blast to the past that doesn’t involve Michael J. Fox’s 30 year old, disturbingly prepubescent looking face.