I have my own personal spiritual beliefs. I never force my beliefs on others, I rarely even discuss them, and I don’t subscribe to any of the “usual suspects” within the religious realm. That being said, I absolutely hate it when some arrogant individual attempts to bludgeon me with their religious outlook. I avoid these people like they have a bad case of herpes with a side of leprosy. But just like an annoying zit, they seem to pop up in your face when you least expect it. Hence, Legion.

In this half witted romp of religious propaganda, God is tired of man’s shit and basically contracts a hit on the whole of mankind. You would think that God would hire ol’ Lucifer and his boys to do the job. Nope. For some reason that we will never know, God sends his good little angels (that act strangely like demons) to wipe us all out, and all but the Archangel Michael (Paul Bettany) is on board.


But wait…there’s more. Some random girl named Charlie (Adrianne Palicki) is pregnant with the second coming of Christ, and together with the guy that pines for her, Jeep Hansen (Lucas Black), they are the modern day Mary and Joseph. Legion isn’t even imaginative about it’s proselytizing. Come on, an angel breaks through a wall for no apparent reason, only to leave a burning hole in the shape of a cross. Yeah, subtle.


Even with a budget that blows away many of the movies I review, Legion is by far one of the worst movies of the decade. 80% of the cast’s acting is wooden, the special effects are freshman CGI attempts, and the blatant preaching is redundant and uninteresting. If I wanted to be bored by a 10 minute sales pitch on anti-abortion views I’d go to church and sit next to Sarah Palin. At least then I would know why they dumb down the material.

Legion is pathetic. Everything about it is an insult to the viewer’s intelligence. The end of the world is coming and the only thing to show for it is a two minute plague of locusts. No rivers of blood, no walking dead, no horsemen, nadda. And the icing on the crap-flavored cake; the angel Gabriel has bulletproof wings and sports a fucking war mace that mechanically spins like something out of a Marvel comic book. Come on Christians, it’s your story, get it right.

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