Lesbian vampire killers


Blockbuster Video really needs to grow the fuck up and stop being so damn puritanical. I had recently read about a movie called Lesbian Vampire Killers in Fangoria Magazine and Rue Morgue Magazine and I was very eager to see it. Upon browsing the shelves at the local Blockbuster Video, I was a bit stunned to find that the movie’s title had been castrated to simply read: Vampire Killers . Seething at the fact that “America the frigid prude” was infringing on the genre that I love and adore, I decided to try to ignore what I was seeing and to imagine that it wasn’t happening. The movie in my hand is called Lesbian Vampire Killers and that’s all there is to it.

With a title like Lesbian Vampire Killers many questions come to mind: “Are they lesbians that kill vampires, or are they killers of lesbian vampires?”. Just kidding, none of that goes through a horror freak’s mind. What does go through one’s mind, however, is: “girl-on-girl action, titties, and vampires”. In that particular order. On the other hand, what really crushes the ol’ garlic sac is when you turn the DVD box over to read: “A CROWD-PLEASING, ENTERTAINING HORROR-COMEDY IN THE VEIN OF SHAUN OF THE DEAD”. *Cue groan here* I absolutely detest when production companies print comparison reviews on the DVD box. More likely than not, the movie in your hand is a steaming pile of shit and is nothing like the successful movie it is being compared to. And so, against my better judgment I said “fuck it” and rented it anyway.

A wise man once said: “even monkeys fall out of trees every once in a while” and that is exactly how I felt after watching Lesbian Vampire Killers. I stood corrected. I was the monkey that fell out of the tree. Not only was the film incredibly funny, it was extremely entertaining. It’s a horror-comedy chalked full of lesbian boobies and vampire decapitations that doesn’t pretend to be anything other than what it is. With a cast like this, what straight man could resist their vampiric charm?

Best buds (or mates, it’s a British flick after all) Fletch (James Corden) and Jimmy (Mathew Horne), set off on a vacation to the English countryside in order to get Jimmy’s mind off of his cheating, uber-bitch of an ex, Judy (Lucy Gaskell). Right from the get-go, the modern day Laurel and Hardy find themselves knee deep in the middle of a rustic village’s age-old vampiric curse. Corden delivers his lines like a hilarious cross between the ever-irritated Ricky Gervais and the slack-jawed Nick Frost. Horne’s performance leaves a bit to be desired but you hardly notice next to Corden’s comedy, gratuitous violence, and scores upon scores of hot chicks makin’ out. All in all, Lesbian Vampire Killers was surprisingly good, and I guess it’s safe to say that it’s like Shaun of the Dead’s vampire cousin. So if you’re a Jerry Falwell type, hypocritical, religious prude, than I say stay the hell away from this flick. But if you are anyone else that happens to have a sense of humor and a love for horror, I highly recommend it.


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